I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
