mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
