I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
