we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
