Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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