I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I currently don't understand fingers.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize