Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Pooping to opera.
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