so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
