you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
