I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
