I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
