i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
