How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
