At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i believe in u and ur pee
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
