dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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