You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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