I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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