3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
