Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Is it because I queefed?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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