This is not my ceiling
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
