im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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