You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have tasted many bathrooms
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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