Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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