if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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