i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
