So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
