I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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