Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
