i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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