You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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