i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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