I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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