oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
