well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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