im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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