I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
