Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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