Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize