TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize