I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
