I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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