Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
