I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
