what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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