Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
