I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize