You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
