Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm really busy with my period
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