Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
