Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
