just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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