Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
