Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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