It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize