I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
